What If They Don’t Get In? A Growth Mindset Guide to College Admissions

I see it all the time. That student who doesn’t want to even consider other colleges. Yeah, they know they “should” have some safety schools, but they only want that one. They are hyper-focused on it. They work for the perfect GPA, the super-high SAT score, the long list of community service, the clubs, activities, sports and the top 5% of their graduating class. They work SO hard with laser focus on that one shiny goal.

“That’s amazing!”

“They deserve Ivy League!”

And yes, it is amazing. We want to cheer that student on from the sidelines and wish for their success. But when so much hope is tied to one single outcome, even the strongest student can be completely shaken by a “no.”

When it comes to the college application process, the problem here is not work ethic. On paper that student should get accepted into the school of their choice. But we all hear about those we think should be accepted — who don’t get accepted. The problem is not their dreams of Ivy League or their high aspirations for their future. That drive, determination and hard work will serve them well. The problem is that they are basing their entire future–their identity–on something that, in the end, is completely outside of their control. They are at the mercy of the admissions department. It is so competitive, especially at the elite, competitive institutions who see hundreds and thousands of applicants who ALL have the same high-achieving, well-rounded application.

This is where the concept of a growth mindset becomes so important. Carol Dweck defines growth mindset as the belief that things like intelligence and abilities can be increased with hard work, and, most importantly, that failure is simply an opportunity to try again and learn something new. When students tie their whole identity to acceptance to that one school, they are in a fixed mindset. They are connecting their worth and success to being chosen to their dream school, and anything else is considered a failure. They are a failure.

Our job as parents (and as college coaches) is to support a well-rounded approach to the process. There are many, many roads that lead to a great life, and focusing on only one may leave them defeated when they hit a roadblock. The following are some suggestions that foster a growth mindset:

• Encourage multiple paths to success. Visit a wide range of colleges. Sure, you can include the more prestigious schools in this list, but couple that with several more options. Look at all that each school can offer–honor’s colleges, faculty, academic organizations, activities, etc.

  
  

• Celebrate effort over outcome. Cheer for their hard work and celebrate their diligence and focus. Remind them that this work ethic will serve them well in whichever college campus they land–as well as in the world of work beyond college.

  
  

• Reframe rejection as redirection. Remind your student that a “no” doesn’t mean the end–it can be the beginning of an even better fit or unexpected opportunity. Don’t play the “blame game” and question why they might not have gotten an acceptance. Support their options forward instead of looking backward.

  
  

• Keep identity separate from outcomes. Reinforce that who they are is bigger than where they go to college. Their character, values, and how they show up in the world matter most.

  
  

In the end, college is simply one chapter in a much larger story. Whether they get into their dream school or whether they don’t, it’s what they choose to do with the opportunities presented to them that truly counts. This is what shapes their character and gives them a life filled with curiosity, flexibility and growth.